Friday, 7 September 2012
SERIAL MURDERRANCE. Episode 6
The flashlight was almost blinding so I told the officer to please lower it down. He shifted the light from my eyes and focused on the girl in the back seat.
The light rested on her for longer than necessary and I nudged Tade, who was sitting beside me in the front seat as if to tell him that Barbie in her usual radiant 'sexiness' had charmed the officer. Finally, the officer asked who we are.
We replied that we were students of the University and we were going to our hostels after a hard-day work.
The officer snorted. He stepped back a little and inspected the car. He couldn't reconcile the size and luxury of the Bentley with the fact that we were students.
'Officer, please can we go now' Barbie said in her bedroom voice.
'The time is 7:30pm and you know we have to sleep and prepare for tomorrow'. The officer seemed a bit disoriented before answering quickly with a lump in his throat,
'Yes you can'.
At that we thanked the policeman and the car whispered into the night.
As I drove I breathed a sigh of relief. "That was close, Tade". Tade still recovering from holding his breath in fear did not answer but Barbie did.
'Yes, it was. If it was not for the fact that I directed his eyes to my bust and prevented him from thinking about anything else...you should be thankful I saved your ass'.
"And you should be thankful I've always had yours" I said and she fell silent.
"Tade, stop to dey act like pickin and tell me how many Lapi dey for inside boot" 'Ten' he said, his voice still shaking.
'You know, you guys are fools for carrying that many Laptops around' Barbie said. 'Na today we just buy am' Tade replied her.
Nobody spoke again for some moments during which Kelly Handsome's 'Maga don Pay' could be heard on low volume from the car stereo.
After a little while I asked Tade
"How about your maga".
'Omo, Tracy dey dull me jare' he replied. 'All the format wey I try she no even dey fall for am. How about your own?'.
"Ah my only Dolly, she even promised yesterday to send like 2K dollars by Saturday".
'OMO, how you do am' Tade asked interestedly.
"Listen and learn" I replied.
"Dolly is a 45 year old mother of two living in LA, she is divorced and all her kids are in college, so she is lonely. She is also very fat so she is insecure and looking desperately for someone to like her. What I did was to cash in on her loneliness and insecurity by promising heaven and hell that I will love her till I die, asking about her kids, and sending her flowers everyday.
And I don't just tell her I love her, I combine some shakespeare with westlife and add my own little spin to write the most beautiful love quotes".
'So how u get her promise to send 2,000 dollars?'
"Ah that one. I'm a business man in Chicago and I've to get to LA to complete a business deal which will fetch me some dough. But I'm short on cash right now so I need her to send me the flight money so I can get to LA and as soon as the deal is closed I will branch at her place, give her the money and spend the week with her".
'Guy, Tracy dey more difficult than that'. "What kind of woman is she?" I asked. 'She dey like Barbie, young and hot and she says my English no good'.
"Yes, we must agree, your English is not good, listen, are you white or black?"
"OK send her a picture of Ramsey Nuah or Van Vicker or Majid Michael and pretend that that is you. Oyibo chicks like hot guys and you will see, she won't be complaining about your English again". Tade fell silent a moment as he digested this.
'Dammy, what about my iphone? Barbie called out to me from the back seat. I had almost forgotten she was there. "Iphone 5 is not yet out, remains some days, how much is it gan self?
'Only 130,000' Barbie answered.
"what the f!" I exclaimed.
'Listen' said Barbie, 'tell me if you are not going to buy it and I will hold my peace'. "I am going to buy it so hold your piss". I saw Tade stealing a look at my angry face and I could see that he has detected some tension between Barbie and I.
But whether he detected it or not, he didn't speak.
In any case, I won't even tolerate him snooping into my affairs.
We reached the front of my flat at around 8:15 pm. When nobody got down, I said to Barbie, "Get down". 'What!, you are not going to drop me?'
"No, I have some work to do. I will come and see you later tonight".
'I don't expect you to come, you are not exactly a knight'.
With that, she hissed, got down and slammed the door. We packed the laptops from the booth and made our way towards the door of the flat.
There was no power so we have to put on the generator if we are going to do anything tonight.
Tade was silent beside me and I thought it must be because of the weight of seven laptops stacked against his chest. "D'you need a hand?" I asked him.
'I don get hands' he replied.
'Na good brain I need'.
"Fool", I muttered under my breath.
We were in front of the door when Tade asked
'Dammy, wetin dey happen between you and Barbie?'
"Nothing, except that right now there is no love lost between me and her".
'So why una dey fight?'.