Friday, 31 August 2012



 As I was getting ready for school that morning, I heard an impatient knock on my door. Seconds later, Tade was standing on d bare floor of my room. Somehow, I had a pretty good idea what he had come to ask.
'Dammy, abeg shey i fit see one H for your hand. I wan reach school and I no get TP'.
"i don't have a dime". I answered quickly not even trying to be compassionate. Knowing Tade, he had probably lost all his dough gambling on Arsenal, the worst kind of club to gamble on.
'How you wan reach skul when you no get a dime?' Tade asked. I was initially surprised by this question. A wise question. You cant help being surprised when you consider that Tade is the questioner.
"I meant I don't  have enough to spare". 'You know, you suppose say you no get a kobo, not dime since we dey for Naija'. "Whatever", I said, a little bit angrily.
Now I'm suspecting that Tade has over-listened to lil wayne the previous night and he is feeling the push to put some smart lines in his conversations. I'm not even sure he understands half of what Lil wayne says.
"Ah Tade, i'm going to school", I announced. "When you are done here, close my door".
'You wan leave me inside your room? I can steal something'.
"No, you can't", i said as i started towards the door. "There is nothing to steal. The only crime you can commit here is suicide. Now knock yourself out''.
       Class that morning was particularly dull. Well, if you are like me all classes will be dull since you will be sitting in d class with an empty stomach and as a result, a wandering mind. But this class was the dullest among 'dulls'.
The contract lecturer, a bloke with a huge gash across his face, was rambling on something about the postal rule laid down in 'Adams v Lindsell'. The postal rule! Sucks to the postal rule! You see even a half-brain like Tade knows that right now in 2012 only batty, old, 'technophobic' guys still use the post to send letter of acceptance. So why do we need this lecture?
        While Lecturer 'Scarface' was babbling about 'Adams v Lindsell', I was thinking more in the line of Adam and Eve. Adam and Eve: seriously, those guys really messed things up. If not for their disobedience, mankind would still be in Eden, blissfully naked, running after giraffes and antelopes. If we ever need education, we will probably have classes under that same apple tree with Father Adam as lecturer and with our course content consisting of something like the proper way to trim flowers. Which is very simple!
Now i'm sitting inside a class in 2012 and I'm super-conscious of the fact that the white shirt of d guy sitting next to me is whiter dan mine which is brownish white: that my old, tattered shoes should not even be in the same building with his: that the lecturers are teaching us concepts so confusing that they themselves get confused(e.g Scarface here): that I have to face impossibly difficult exams at the end of d semester. Sometimes, u've got to agree with this 'boko-guys' when they say Western Education is.....
'Hey Dammy, have you seen the Hunger Games? That film is madly interesting'. Barbie's voice cut through my thought from behind. In my wandering state of my mind i had forgotten that I had the privilege of sitting in front of Barbie. I guess Barbie also found the lecture boring so she was looking for somebody to talk to. Only thing is, Barbie is unlike any other person: whether or not she listened, she is going 2
To get 'A'.
"No, I haven't", I whispered back."You know why? Because I AM the Hunger Game. Hunger is hunting me and i'm its game''.
'Well, sorry 'bout that,I can't help u there. But I can help u wit the other hunger'. "Which other hunger?", I asked.
'The hunger for my.... You know...' She shifted seductively in her chair and gave me the horny girl look. 'I've noticed you staring at me more than its normal recently.
Barbie is known for being a scholar and a tease. Right now, she is turning her tease on, at my expense because i'm getting pretty hot.
"Barbie, are u trying to se-se-du-du-du-ce me", I stammered. I never got d answer to that question for Lecturer 'Scarface' had announced that we are going for meet next class and the class had erupted into chaos as if they had been waiting for him to get the hell out.
         Just then, I saw Ridwan, a guy who can't  seem to get enough of taking pictures, coming towards us. This guy can take the picture of himself 'shitting' and upload it to Instagram. When he reached us, his statement was not surprising. 'Let's take some pics'.
"I've never met anybody who takes as many pics as you do, even among girls", I said to him.
'You know', he replied with a wide grin, 'photographs'
"Are the autographs of d 21st century, yes we know", i completed sarcastically. "So who is the celebrity here".
'You, I guess, now dat u are on regular speaking basis with Barbie'. He said this with a whisper so that Barbie who was busily packing her books couldn't catch it.
'ok Barbie, let's snap'. He announced.
'A picture is more than a thousand words'.
'If a picture is more th an a thousand words, how many words does a movie worth?', Barbie asked. No one answered. Ridwan gave his phone to a guy to snap us and we posed with big, fake smiles for the camera.
        The camera flashed. And the brightness of d flash was extremely strange. The flash traveled towards my field of vision and completely engulfed my being. The light overwhelmed me so much I felt that I had been lighted from within. Suddenly, it went off and all went blank..........

.........Find out what happened to Dammy after the flash........


  1. This is way beta dan oda episodes,just sayin.